Everyone at some point has faced a form of social anxiety while out in the dating arena. Whether it’s wooing your crush who just doesn’t get your drift, riding out an emotional roller coaster while stuck in a doomed relationship or maybe somewhere in-between; falling in love can seem downright impossible. So I thought I’d give love-struck SCAD students my best Jane Austen’s “Emma” impersonation by attempting to lessen those stress-inducing hormone levels with some advice that hopefully sticks.
- Do stop trying.
Believe it or not the less you look for love, the more likely it is that it will fall in your lap. The more hours you waste on Tinder and social media, checking your horoscope or going out to seedy bars and clubs, the less relaxed and more stressed out you will be about dating. Now, if you aren’t looking for anything serious, then indulging in those practices won’t do you any harm, but the name of this article isn’t “Things to think about when looking for a booty call.”
- Do shut up and be happy.
What you can do with your time is work on being happy with yourself. It’s easier for some than others, but the most attractive thing about a person is how comfortable they are in their own skin. If some soul-searching is required then go for it – remember, the things you don’t like are just as important as the things you do like, so go out and try everything. I’ve discovered more about myself by pretending to be someone else through playacting and fiction writing. Do your best to ignore the minefield of garden gnomes sprouting up in your head screaming out all of your imperfections and learn to love yourself; because if you can’t appreciate you, then who else will?
- Do pay attention to clothing, but don’t overthink your appearance.
It’s true that the clothes you wear present who you are to the world, but you should dress for yourself, not for others. Whether it’s a shaved head and ripped-up stockings or a form-fitting blazer and moussed-up hair – if your style makes you feel attractive than someone else is bound to like it too.
- Do live and breathe what you love.
A great way to get to know someone is to find out what they are passionate about, so it’s good if you have an answer to that question too. No matter how cliché, obscure or just completely oddball your obsession is, the fact that you have a passion for something will make you desirable.
- Do give back to others.
Donating your time and energy to a good cause won’t only help those in need but ultimately yourself. Studies show that volunteering in church activities or as part of a community – for example Meals on Wheels, an animal shelter or even a haunted house – boosts self-confidence and optimism levels. By trusting others, working as a team and seeing the best in others, you become open to new relationships.
- Do take chances and communicate.
When it comes to dating, it’s good, even healthy, to not plan everything. So skip the audition coffee or ice cream date and jump right into something spontaneous. Sometimes sneaking into an Indian wedding ceremony at the Ritz Carlton or cannonballing into a man-made waterfall in some hoity-toity neighborhood will provide solid ground for a newfound relationship better than a boring movie date. Next time you run into your crush, do yourself a favor and don’t dance around your feelings because contrary to popular belief, a simple “Hey you, I like your face. Let’s go get a snow cone,” works better than you ever imagined.
- Don’t live in the future or the past.
Regardless of whether or not you are in a relationship, thinking too far ahead or lingering on the past will destroy your expectations for yourself and your partner. Giving too much thought to your maybe-someday wedding details, you and your partner’s children’s dominant genes or even the night you lose your virginity can ruin what you already have with someone or just serve to stress you out further while dating around. It’s also best to not bother yourself with useless what-ifs like what if your prom date still thinks about you or whatever happened to that girl you “married” underneath the monkey bars on your elementary school’s playground?
- Don’t have old-world expectations for your partner.
Relationships are stronger when both parties meet each other halfway. This isn’t the 1940s where men are required to make all the plans and all the moves. Ladies, you can save a world of trouble by going Dutch on dinner and going in for that first kiss. Men can also pitch in by cooking dinner and doing their own laundry. These may seem like washed-out stereotypes, but it’s alarming how alive these expectations still are today.
- Don’t manipulate others. Ever.
Manipulating someone else’s feelings for your own gain is by far one of the most rotten things you can do to another person. Sometimes it can be hard to tell if the feelings between two people are one-sided, but once it’s clear, don’t lead the other person on whether it’s a friend or old partner whom you no longer have feelings for. Also, don’t make it a priority to be with someone just because you don’t want to be alone. So you didn’t have anyone to kiss at your friend’s New Year’s Eve party; big deal. There are some Swedish meatballs in the kitchen; I’m sure they taste better than some stranger’s mouth anyways.
- Don’t let other people run your love life.
If you already know how to work your mojo, then don’t second-guess yourself. Stop caring about what your friends tell you, what the media tells you and especially what the internet tells you. This includes the advice provided in this article by yours truly. Remember to trust your instincts and that dating is supposed to be fun. Falling in love with someone will happen faster the sooner you give yourself a break.
