When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one person to pretty much lose a friend’s name, number, and any new knowledge of his/her existence, it can seem really hard to openly declare the causes which impel the person to lose said friend. But anyone wishing to declare their personal independence from a sucky friend should do so without feeling guilty about it. We all understand how difficult it is to find good friends. It’s even more problematic, however, to hold on to a friend who is Webster’s definition of bad news.
Everyone has befriended a bad friend before. We all know the types. Vampires suck away all energy and good will. Fairweather fiends are never around during a personal emergency — yet are always around for a handout. Egomaniacs are only friends to themselves. Backstabbers can’t ever be trusted. Sometimes friendships start out with such promise. Interests are shared. Pleasantries are exchanged. Everything is going well and then suddenly, Ms. Mistaken-for-an-Ace goes and does something stupid like ask for a fresh cup of your urine. That’s when it’s time for her to go, and your friendship to end.
That friendship doesn’t have to end with knock-down, drag-out fisticuffs, or even a heated argument. There’s no need to just suddenly start ignoring the person or ducking them during chance encounters at MJQ. A friendship break-up can be very civil, and even pleasant. It starts with a simple conversation in person, by phone or maybe even by text message while sitting in a conference break-out session at the New Orleans Marriott.
It can start with something like, “Hey, I’m not sure what to do with a person who gets upset about me refusing to give her my pee.” Then it can continue with a, “Look, obviously I’m not meeting your boon coon expectations and you don’t deserve that.” After listening (or reading) attentively to the friend’s response, perhaps add, “I’m not judging you. In fact, I think the world of you and will always cherish our fonder memories. I wish you an abundance of clean-testing urine and all the best in your life’s journey. Bye-bye now.”
In this way, everything is on the table, spread-eagle in the light of day. Ex-friends can go their separate ways with nothing left unsaid, and without the spectre of an unanswered question lurking in an abrupt Facebook blackout. It’s called a nice, clean break. It leaves few, if any, scars. It’s what adults who have no time for unnecessary foolishness do.
For anyone looking to rid themselves of the plague of a bad friendship, feel free to do so with courage. It’s the American way. Our founding fathers did the exact same thing to Great Britain in the form of a nice, neat declaration. Sure our nation ended up going to war over it, but that’s because there was a lot more at stake than a movie date to go see “The Amazing Spider-Man 2.” Any soon-to-be-ex-friend will get over it and probably be better off for it. If not, there’s always restraining orders.