Immediately following the completion of my New Years Resolution article, I attended the Student Media interest meeting that was being held that evening across from the Hub. I was doing the right thing by showing solidarity with my fellow “Connector” and “SCAN” folks. They are my people after all. And at this meeting, our beloved staff adviser provided delicious treats in the form of cupcakes from CamiCakes. This was welcome by all. I mean, cupcakes. Cupcakes! Glorious cupcakes of varying flavors just for us and those interested in joining us.
And then I did the bad thing.
Not an hour before, I had written for the world to see that I was seriously going to eat healthier henceforth. Carrots and dried apricots were to be my snackage of choice. I was committed to that. But perhaps I would start on that resolution after the meeting. You may or may not have been there. You may or may not have seen those cupcakes. If you were, you too would rationalize that the squash you ate earlier more than merited a little reward – a red velvet reward.
Nope. It was not a reward by any stretch of the imagination. It was a test from the universe to see if I would be tempted and I ashamed to report that I failed immediately. Now initially I reached for the one with a banana on it, thinking it might be bananas foster because, what cupcake place doesn’t have bananas foster? Yet I pumped the brakes quickly on that and changed course for the red velvet. The banana one might be banana nut and I am allergic to nuts. Best avoid that, Arielle! Yeah… About that.
Ask any one of the staff members present that night. About halfway through the cupcake, my entire facial expression changed. That was the moment I noticed my lips were tingling. My mouth was watering and my throat was feeling strange. I kept staring at the half-eaten cupcake, as if discovering some clandestine betrayal against my person. It was a betrayal! How dare this red velvet cupcake have walnut oil in its frosting when I just accused the banana cupcake of being banana nut!
Warning, here comes a pun. I only got my just desserts. I had zero business eating that cupcake and I was punished. There was no vomiting (thank goodness), but I am still a little itchy right now (as I am writing this a couple hours after the event). And if that wasn’t enough, I received confirmation of punishment via a dollar bill that I got back as change for the milk I had to buy to wash my mouth with. On the back it read, in big blue writing, “Coupon for one threesome. I got that dope dick. I be your supplier.” The lady next to me at the register laughed. Everyone laughed. I hid behind my shawl because I could feel my lip start to swell up a little.
I’m going to write a book with these stories in it. It’s going to be called “Arielle’s Fables: Modern Moral Stories for They Who Give In to Temptation.” The moral of the story, kids, is to eat your damn squash and be satisfied.
