The art of memoir writing: finding your story of grief and loss

By Shelley Danzy, contributor

 “A few years ago, my grandmother died the day after Valentine’s Day,” said Ericka Chambers, first-year M.A. arts administration student. “It’s been tough. I’ve been trying to figure out a way to put it down on paper.” Thanks to the student workshop on Jan. 5 as part of Ivy Hall’s Writers Series, Chambers – and other writing students – are inspired to give new life to their personal stories of hurt.

With a candid familiarity of a long-time friend, Atlanta-based author, Jessica Handler, shared how she came to terms with her own heartache. Both of her younger sisters had died and she often wondered, “How can you better the lives of others when you can’t better your own?”

Handler’s journey began with “Invisible Sisters: A Memoir,” which the Georgia Center for the Book named as one of the “Twenty Five Books All Georgians Should Read” in 2010. Her recent release, “Braving the Fire,” is a guide to writing well about grief and loss. “Braving the Fire” is full of valuable stories, tips and resources, as well as self-reflective questions.

Handler opened the workshop with a few minutes of free writing, or writing continuously what comes to mind without regard to spelling, punctuation, etc. “Free writing helps you find out what’s between you and your work,” said Handler. She encourages writing this way often in order to move beyond the nominal surface story in order to get to the substantive level of your personal plot: the opportunity to uncover the real story beneath the story.

It doesn’t matter whether it’s the death of a loved one, a lost dog or that special toy that was left in a childhood home. Grief is a uniquely personal experience and most people wonder how they will survive. Handler offered a few insights on the power of memoir writing:

Give yourself the right to write. Yes, everyone has a story about grief and loss. Your mom may have died of cancer. You’d like to write about your experience, but you know there are countless stories on the same subject. Remember, your experience belongs to you. Don’t live in denial. You have permission to write your story.

Be the protagonist of your own story. You are the only one with your story. Your story of hurt, grief or triumphs to make it through. Don’t distance yourself from yourself; don’t be afraid to write in first person.

Write what you don’t know about. Maybe all you remember is that your heart hurts. Start right where you are. Jot down how you feel and accept that you may never know every how and why. Keep writing!

Write freely, not chronologically. Don’t block yourself from writing just because others might get offended or even if you can’t remember everything in order. Just write whatever comes to mind.

Know that denial and anger can bring you to a page. Grief is a process. You don’t have to begin right away. Keep track of ideas and images. Give yourself the gift of details as they come to you over time. Emotional honesty is key.

“The ability to own your story changes the narrative of the self as writers, as artists,” said Handler. “Every ending is a new beginning. What makes your story different is that it’s yours.”