I. Thou shalt not choose the stall or urinal next to someone if another option is available.
The first and simplest rule should be a given, but due to recent events I am forced to reiterate this bathroom etiquette staple. If there is an opportunity to leave more space between you and another “reliever”, by all means do so. It’s great to be friendly to strangers but this is not the place to start bonding.
II. Thou shalt not hold conversations while using a stall.
Everyone has that one friend that they’ve reached such a level of comfort with that they could do literally anything in front of them and not be fazed, so needless to say using the bathroom seems run-of-the-mill to these type of friends. While it’s great that you’ve found such an open friendship, not everyone doing their business is at that comfort level with you guys, capiche?
III. Thou shall avoid making eye contact through the stalls.
We’ve all been there — you glance by the stalls while making your way to an empty one and inevitably lock eyes with some innocent bystander. Let’s all make things a little less awkward and agree to stare at the ground until safely seated in a stall.
IV. Thou shalt not use the bathroom as a place to gossip.
Nobody enjoys pooping in front of a crowd but we as a society have had to make peace with this annoyance for the sake of the convenience of public bathrooms. If you are using the restroom as a private gossip haven rather than for its intended purposes then for goodness sake leave and go to another part of the building!
V. Thou shalt not hum or grunt while doing your business.
Certain behaviors seem to illogically make mundane activities more enjoyable, like humming the latest Katy Perry tune while dropping a deuce. That’s all fine and dandy when you’re in the privacy of your own home, but in public you’re making everyone around you uncomfortable.
VI. Thou shall check (and clean!) the toilet seat before exiting.
Urine, feces, blood and other bodily fluids all belong in the toilet bowl rather than on the seat. If by chance one of your (bodily) personal belongings wind up on the toilet seat, be an adult and clean it up. When it comes to grooming, just remember: you have the right to do whatever you want with your pubic hair as long as you don’t leave it on the seat.
VII. Thou shalt not leave up the seat.
There’s nothing worse than accidentally falling in a toilet of a dingy unisex bathroom because some inconsiderate jerk was too lazy to flip down the seat after taking a leak. I’m talking to you, fellas.
VIII. Thou shall dispose of sanitary products in the appropriate, designated area.
And to keep it fair, this one is for the ladies. Anyone with a menstrual cycle should know which products can and cannot be flushed. Save the cleaning staff the hassle and put your trash in the appropriate receptacles.
IX. Thou shalt not linger.
While this mostly applies to single stall restrooms it’s certainly still courteous to abide by at all times. I know you’re really engrossed in that game of Candy Crush but other people have to do their business, too.
X. Thou shall wait patiently.
As a follow-up to the last rule, you need to trust that the person in the bathroom is being as time-efficient as possible. Nobody likes the pressure put on them while they’re taking a dump so don’t be that jerk who knocks and yells until the door opens.
