Writer’s Corner: ‘Guilt Free Energy Source Makes America Great Again’
SATIRE:
Scientists at the University for the Socially Superior have recently performed studies that unexpectedly revealed crying tears to be a renewable resource. The studies revealed that different types of stress or sadness lead to varying potency within human tears. After testing a wide variety of groups, they found that struggling art students provided the most potent and environmentally friendly tears to be harnessed. Scientists attribute the high potency to the act of pursuing dreams.
Artists are overall hopeful creatures. They often seek success in order to become happy as opposed to rich. The tears that are produced when those dreams are being shattered are the most powerful energy source that humans have ever discovered. Based on projected statistics, the utilization of Art Student Tears™ would completely eliminate the need for fossil fuels within the next two decades. The revenue and job market created from this new industry would also pay off the national debt three times over. The patent for the technology would remain with America which would effectively replace the middle east as the source of the world’s energy. Making the United States, by far, the most prosperous country on the planet.
In order to harvest this precious new resource, students at art colleges have been presented with tasks and are encouraged to do their absolute best. Then, once they are finished with their tasks, they are brutally berated and mocked, while their work is ruined and exploited by other failed artists until they begin to cry. The moment of emotional breakdown, often called “critique,” is when the tears are most potent and is crucial to the collection process.
The future of the country and the entire world now rests in the hands of this ground breaking discovery. Scientists are now working around the clock to construct a machine that could expedite the process and gather large amounts of these tears in short amounts of time. Concepts are being worked on that resemble the functions of milking machines at dairy farms. This brand new resource will finally capitalize on the greatest staple to the foundation of American prosperity. The power of broken dreams.
