Subject line: I didn’t do my homework because I went to Cancún
To: Greg Abbott
CC: John Cornyn
From: Ted Cruz
Hey Governor,
I got your message last night about the snowstorm in Texas and potentially reaching out to FEMA. Sounds cool. I didn’t get the message out yet because my printer wasn’t working and I didn’t think to email it so I missed the deadline on that. Sorry. If you could get me an extension that’d be great, and also pick me up from the airport? I’m in Cancun, by the way. Be back soon. That’s why I couldn’t finish the request because I was on the beach when I saw your message. I would’ve stayed in the country, it’s just that my daughters really wanted to and I can’t say no except to Chuck. You understand.
Also, I’m really busy with this whole Merrick Garland thing so I really can’t add anything more to my plate. It’s just a lot to handle all at once.
What’s Beto up to? I’d look into it but, meh. He can’t do anything anyway. He’s not in office right now like I am. I beat him in a landslide in 2018. I had 50.9 percent of the vote and he had 48.3 percent. Land. Slide. You know, if you really think about it, Greg, there’s not much I can do either. I’m better off in Cancún where the beaches are white and the water is refreshing. I’m not asking you to do anything about the power grids but I’ll help in any way I can. Maybe a plane ticket for you, too?
My staffers brought up some suggestions like raising some money, donating supplies, and talking to the president. I would, no really I would, it’s just that there’s a restaurant here with 100 different tequila options and I’ve got about 100 different reasons to try it.
Get back to me on that plane ticket.
XO
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RE: I didn’t do my homework because I went to Cancun
To: Ted Cruz
CC: John Cornyn
From: Greg Abbott
K. Thx for taking the flak.
