Goncharov (1973): How Tumblr invented the “World’s Best Mobster Movie” that doesn’t actually exist

Picture this. I’m home for winter break, and with Twitter’s recent implosion, I need to find a new social media to fill that void in my brain. Reddit is scary, Facebook is for old people. Instagram is just filled with people I’d rather not look at on your break from school. What about a trip to Tumblr? Yeah, that Tumblr. The same Tumblr that everyone used to write One Direction and Percy Jackson fanfic on. Remember that?

I log in, and to my surprise, it hasn’t changed. It’s virtually the same. The user base, who has grown-up with the platform, has the same sense of humor, carefully crafted on a web of inside jokes. It’s almost like returning home after years of vacation. 

On yet another few-hour long death-scroll, I find this post. Stylized sapphic fanart? Say less! It has a few tags, including ship tags, but one sticks out, #goncharov. This must be the source material. I click. Ohhh! It’s a Martin Scorsese movie. I scold my former film-major self. I spent a whole quarter in the major, have over 400 movies logged on Letterboxd, but I’ve never heard of Scorsese’s crowned jewel, “Goncharov?” For shame!

As I dig through the tag, I find gifs of Russian bombshell character Katya, beautiful fanart and one hell of a poster. Would you look at that thing? What a cast! Not only does it star a young, mustachioed De Niro, but also Al Pachino, the king of all mob movies, along with Harvey Keitel, Cybill Shepherd and Gene Hackman. How have I never heard of this movie? It’s stacked!

I check Letterboxd, typing in the title like my father, finger-pecking like a mad man (a slow one, on account on the foreign word). “GORBATREV.” Wait. That’s the “knock down that wall” guy. Type again. “GONCHAROV.” The top result is a list curated by a pro-user, so they have to know their stuff. Its title? “Films inspired by Goncharov (1973),” with a description reading, “a list of films that were CLEARLY inspired by Goncharov (1973) in one way or another. please don’t scream at me if i don’t have certain films here, just write a comment and i’ll add! thanks. stan Goncharov (1973)!!!” Seems legit. 

Scroll through the movies. Damn, there’s a lot, with films ranging from Reservoir Dogs and Point Break, to Home Alone and Spy Kids. Sure seems like this Goncharov film is influential, for no one ever talking about it. The top comment reads: “omg i thought i was the only one seeing the parallels between goncharov and Ratatouille!! thank you for making me feel valid uwu.” Interesting, but I don’t judge. 

Back to Tumblr. I indulge in a bigger fandom dive, gazing over pages upon pages of fanart, memes and oh, finally! A wiki page. I was already planning on watching this bad boy tonight, but it’s always interesting learning about the production beforehand. I tap. And … that’s weird. It’s an Archive of Our Own page. 

For anyone who wasn’t raised by a web interface glued together by The Onceler and Furries like me, AO3 is basically just a fanfiction site. It absolutely slays although it runs like it’s being powered by a hamster in a wheel. It has been in Beta since 2009, just to put everything into perspective. Anyway …

Why was I currently being greeted by the familiar red graphics of AO3? Why would Goncharov’s wiki be on a fanfic website? Doesn’t matter. Once I click, my smoothed out brain is happy to see a typical looking Wikipedia page. 

General information is this: “A mob film set in Naples, Italy during the height of the Cold War portraying both the Italian mafia and Soviet organized crime, Goncharov has been described as ‘the greatest Mafia movie ever made’.” Okay, we know this. Scroll down, we need more. I must know more about this beautiful Katya character. 

Here we go. Plot. “After the betrayal of an unknown actor leading to the dissolution of his crime ring and the destruction of his home, disillusioned mafia boss turned independent mercenary Goncharov (De Niro) emigrates from Soviet Russia to Italy with his wife, Katya (Shepherd), who harbors secrets.” Sounds juicy! Yeah, I’m definitely watching this tonight. 

I read more about the development, interested to see why I haven’t heard of this masterpiece yet. Under the reception tab, I read that it underperformed at the box office, “grossing $1.8 million worldwide against a production budget of $1.9 million.” The Godfather, which obviously came out a year before in 1972, had grossed $135 million. Maybe that was why? Scorsese pumps out another film a year after his biggest film yet, and it got lost in the shadows. 

The next tab provides more info. “The film’s poor box office performance has been attributed to mixed reviews from critics, a lengthy run time at 3 hours and 32 minutes, and the film’s ‘Anti-American sentiment,’ including but not limited to the sympathetic portrayal of Russian and Italian criminal actors.” Wait… 3 hours and 32 minutes? I check the clock. I better get this film started before it’s too late. 

I type the film into Roku, checking which streaming services have it, and nothing turns up. Not even the janky ones, like Crackle or FreeVee, have it. Hmm … check Tumblr again. Maybe someone has an illegal streaming link. While looking, I come across the score, posted by user caramiaaddio. “all this talk about goncharov but i dont see anybody posting the soundtrack???” The post reads. “Like how are you gonna talk about this movie without the music?” They’ve attached a Spotify link. And naturally, like all Scorsese movies, the score slaps. 

It’s classical, in the same vein of the Godfather theme, but it has a light and naturally melancholic feeling to it. I keep it on in one tab, and continue surfing Tumblr in the other. More memes, more art and then … no. It can’t be. 

“Is goncharov (1973) really that much less real than whatever show the destiel bloggers have been watching with their extrasensory perception for 15 years?”

Listen, I may not be insufferable enough to be a Supernatural fan, but I am insufferable enough to know your Tumblr lore. Destiel bloggers (just look it up) are just watching what they want to, perceiving a show in a completely different form than it was intended. They took years and years of an existing media, and then made something different to suit their needs. Does that mean … Goncharov (1973) … is fake?

This feeling is comparable to watching the Challenger explode, or watching a truck full of kittens roll over on the highway. Here I am, having spent the past 10 minutes, obsessing over a film that doesn’t even exist. I planned the rest of my night around this. I liked posts, reblogged some, even. But there’s no movie to actually watch at the end. It was just Tumblr being … well, Tumblr. 

Okay, now you have to prank your friends to carry on the spirit and such. You send this meme to your friend Jack. He is a veteran Tumblr user, and could definitely regale you with stories from the days of justgirlythings. If you were to tell him that you liked his shoelaces, he’d know what to say. 

The Turgle, of course, is a reference to this golden age meme, BUT, more importantly, he was providing a new piece of the puzzle to the Goncharev lore. Thankfully, because Jack runs a meme account, (yeah, I know), he able to provide the source material, which can only be found in screenshot form these days. 

The above shoes were first shown to the world in 2020, and according to this Reddit thread, the shoe’s tag was generated by optical character recognition, also known as OCR. It is likely supposed to say “Gomorrah,” which yes, is an Italian mob movie, but no, wasn’t directed by Scorsese. Why this was tag was chosen for this shoe is unknown, but what is known is that this is the first time anyone on the internet had heard of Scorsese’s hidden gem, “Goncharov.”

And because I am incredibly bored on my winter break, I thought I’d use this as a lead. Investigate what these knock-off shoes had anything to do with Tumblr’s new favorite movie. After a little bit of digging, I find the next stepping stone. That poster I had mentioned before? Apparently, it was from a blog, Beelzeebub, that makes terrific fanart, along with awesome (fake) movie posters. With their last poster, which was obviously inspired by the shoe meme, a few users decided that they were going to create some fanart. Then the whole thing sort-of spiraled into a whole fake fandom, spawning memes, art, music and of course, fanfiction. Now, Beelzeebub, is creating character charts to keep everyone’s depictions in line, along with selling actual prints of the poster. 

When asked about how it feels to inspire an entire fandom, Beelzeebub responds like a true champ. “It’s a bit surreal to be honest,” they say. “But I’m enjoying how many creative people joined in :)”

And isn’t that the true spirit of Goncharov? Making something for fun, only for it to explode and expand into true creativity and expression? With just a pair of botched shoes from 2020, Beelzeebub was inspired to make a joke poster for their friends, and by chance, millions have been exposed to the fake movie. As of November 21st, the official Tumblr Instagram account has posted about the movie, thereby introducing their 1.1 Million followers to the pure art known as Goncharov, and confusing a whole new group of users. 

“I have never heard of this movie in my entire life,” one comment reads with several likes. Ahh … so the cycle starts again.

Anyway, what’s your favorite scene from Gocharov?