DISCLAIMER: This article is purely satirical and the events described are purely fictional. That said, it’s also pretty funny.
As his impeachment trial in the United State Senate draws near, President Donald Trump held an impromptu press conference on the White House South Lawn, where he took questions, kind of. What followed is a verbatim transcript:
Now, listen here, folks, this trial is going to be totally bogus. It’s going to be a tremendous injustice. Now, I believe in the integrity of our good Senators here, senator Mitch McConnell, a great friend of mine, really great. I make my children call him Uncle Mitch (to which my children responded, “Dad, you need to stop calling every half-hour,” but they’re really tremendously great children.) I’ve got a lot of great friends, like Rudy Giuliani, Michael Cohen — wait, what? Oh right, I’ve never even met Cohen — and Alan Dershowitz. Now, see, Dershowitz is a real Jewish guy, and he can tell you that I’m the least racist president this country’s ever had. I’m very glad to have him on my defense team, just like O. J. Simpson must’ve been very glad to have him on his defense team. If the past is any precedent, then I believe I’m going to come out just fine.
I also believe that our great senators can put this total witch hunt to rest, because as you can see, I got impeached without doing anything wrong. Did you see the bogus trial that they put up? Total phony show! How do I know? Because I’ve been a total phony showman for much longer than I’ve been President. (Did you happen to see my show? It was a great show. “You’re fired!” — what a stably genius catchphrase.) Oh, you’re questioning my use of tense? And now you’re questioning my use of English? Look, pal, English is un-American, alright? When I took office (winning by a landslide, mind), I vowed to make this country great again. So we don’t speak English around here anymore, we speak American. If you have trouble remembering that, buy this $25 MAGA hat — it used to be free, but then Mexico refused to pay for it and Nancy Pelosi only gave me a billion dollars.
Now that you’ve got your hat, remember this, too: the impeachment hearings were completely fake. It was staged by the lying Dems, who are planning to overthrow me, the great President of this great nation. By saying I violated the Constitution, they’re violating the Constitution, because a president cannot violate the Constitution. You’re saying he can? Now you’re violating the Constitution!
Now, my call to Ukraine was perfect. It was so perfect, I can’t believe how many people listened in on it — don’t you have any faith in your President at all? But anyway, the transcript was out for you folks to read, and then Nancy Pelosi still wanted to call a bunch of random people that I DO NOT KNOW, write that down, to come and “testify” and get me impeached. Women, am I right? They ask for the truth, you tell them the truth, and they still don’t believe you and make all your friends confirm you were not in hotel rooms with pornographic actresses. Estrogen is such poison, such poison.
OK, so the witnesses in the House was kind of against me — they were instructed to do so by the lying Dems — but I believe that whatever lie they tell in the Senate will be seen through immediately by the good American people. America always sees through lies. I should know; they saw right through everything my former lawyer Cohen covered up — oh, that’s right, I don’t know who he is. And like America, I believe that our Republican senators would ignore the lying witnesses and offer me protection, I mean justice. Would all the Republicans vote to acquit, you ask? Of course they will. They know that Trump is the guy; they even told me, “Donald, you’re a tremendously great guy,” and I said, “Okay, but no homo. You know I only like women with cousins I’d like to deport.” Anyway, if they want a good, Republican, American-born President in the White House next year, they’re going to have to acquit me, don’t they? You see any other chump around here running to be the Republican nominee? No! The American people love Trump! The un-American aliens love the lying Dems, and we cannot allow them to overrun this country the way our ancestors overran it. That’s how you know I’m the least racist President ever — you can’t be racist if you’re surrounded by white people, am I right?
What did I call you here for again? Oh yes, I have a tremendous announcement, folks. Even though there was no quid pro quo between me and Ukraine, Mr. Zelensky did find dirt on the Bidens at my request (but the military aid for exchange is delayed, so it’s just “quid,” no “pro quo,” so no crime and I’m totally innocent). And folks, what Mr. Zelensky found, it’s truly shocking.
America, I’m sad to announce that Joe Biden, the Democratic Presidential candidate, was actually born in Kenya.
