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‘Between Life and Sea’ by Carolina Santos-Serrano
“It’s either us or no one!” Mrs. Dorene screamed to Officer Evans. “You and everyone else in this boat know that anyone that’s isn’t here right now has probably frozen to death already!” Officer Evans was facing the open sea with his back to everyone. I couldn’t see his face, only how his knuckles turned white as he held onto his flashlight. “This is about survival, not your pride,” she continued.
A cold sweat washed over my back. Officer Evans breathed deeply, fogging the air before him as he turned slowly to Mrs. Dorene. He leaned in enough to reach her eyes, and no one in the boat dared to speak as he raised her face up to his with the back end of his flashlight. “Are you telling me how to do my job?” he whispered.
“No,” Mrs. Dorene whispered back. Officer Evans raised her chin even higher, bringing her closer to him as he raised an eyebrow. “N-No, sir,” Mrs. Dorene stuttered, though I did not believe it was from the cold. The officer eyed her very closely, and every second that passed felt like hours.
Someone out of the nine people on board began rocking back and forth as they muttered nonsense. It was an old man in his sixties wearing a heavy coat and a green scarf. In an attempt to understand what was happening to him, I exchanged looks with everyone on the boat. Is he okay? But no one knew. He seemed to be alone.
The officer finally, he pulled back with a smirk on his face, and a sigh of relief escaped Mrs. Dorene’s lips. The officer was young, but you could tell his cold-heart aged him.
“She’s right,” I said out loud before he could lay another finger on Mrs. Dorene. I kept my eyes on the deck of the boat, but I could still see the smug look the officer had when he turned to me. His blonde mustache glowed under the moonlight, already covered in snowflakes. The elements were unforgiving, and being stranded in the middle of the sea didn’t help.
Beyond our lifeboat, there was only dark oblivion with only the full moon to guide us. We knew that other boats were nearby, as well as people who had simply jumped or were pushed off. But the silence around us was too loud to make anyone think differently. “They’re probably already dead,” I continued. “We should focus on keeping ourselves warm.” But Officer Evans didn’t respond. Instead, he just kept his eyes on me as if he had noticed something unusual but couldn’t quite put his finger on it. Is he onto me?
The old man wearing the green scarf began moaning as he grabbed his left arm tightly. He opened his mouth, trying to yell in pain, but no sound came out. Finally, he stood up as he tried to catch his breath and yanked off his coat and scarf, rubbing on his chest. In a second, he dropped to the floor of the deck with a big thump. His weight made the lifeboat almost capsize. Everyone screamed while they tried to grab onto anything to steady themselves.
The old man’s body faced me, and for some reason, I couldn’t look away. The more I looked, the more I wanted to look at it more. Thankfully, his eyes were closed, but his mouth was still open. His scream was still stuck in his throat, and I knew from that moment that I would never forget his face. A little girl and a young woman began weeping behind me, and I didn’t blame them. If it wasn’t for the freezing weather, I probably would have too.
As everyone protested, Officer Evans didn’t think twice before dragging the man and dumping him in the water. “He’s dead!” Officer Evans snapped. “And he’ll still be dead when help gets here. Or is anyone willing to have a dead body inside the lifeboat for God knows how long?” A weight dropped on my chest, knocking the breath out of me. It felt like someone had just hit me with a bat on my back. He didn’t even check for a heartbeat! As soon as I opened my mouth to protest, one of the sailors from the ship grabbed my hand.
“Nuar, don’t waste your breath,” he whispered in my ear, which was enough to stop me in my tracks. How did he know my name? “It’s not good to put more stress on yourself.” The sailor continued, taking a long look at my plump belly. I quickly covered it with my coat.
Out of nowhere, my hands shot to my sides, grabbing the edge of my seat. I had a feeling that I would see my last dinner before me, but with a very different presentation. The sailor began rubbing my back, and I managed to give him a small smile. “I’m fine,” I said, putting his hand away. It felt weird to have someone concerned for me, let alone touch me. Peter would have ignored me and complained. But thankfully, I wouldn’t have to deal with that anymore.
As the boat swayed back and forth into an unknown destination, I closed my eyes, and intrusive thoughts took over my mind. I began to wonder how different my life would have been if I hadn’t married Peter. A strong wave rocked the boat a bit hard, making the sailor’s shoulder bump into mine. Is this sailor a good man? I mean, I don’t even know what makes a man a good one, to begin with, so would it matter? I started rubbing my belly as I realized this entire mess was my fault. How could I have been so stupid?
Splashing was heard in the distance, and Officer Evans was fast to turn on his flashlight to check. But, unfortunately, it was useless since he was only greeted by an infinite black curtain. The sea was calm, like a deadly invitation. Every breath I took clouded my vision, and I began to imagine what drowning would feel like. I was sure that the water would swallow me up before I froze to death, but which one was worse?
Officer Evans grabbed a man from the boat by his arm. “And what do you think you’re doing?” the man screamed at the officer. He was the one who helped me get in the lifeboat after he got a seat for his son. I did not know his name.
“That sound we just heard must have come from one of the lifeboats. Someone needs to go and inspect it.” The officer looked him over. “Take off your clothes.”
“Are you out of your mind!” the man said, taking his arm away. The officer was much taller than him; still, the man’s voice was more intimidating. “You are not sending me into a death sentence when my kid is right there,” he muttered. The man wore a woman’s expensive fur coat with his night undergarments. “There’s no point in me freezing to save the dead. You’re more than welcomed to do that yourself!” he continued.
“I must stay until help gets here!” Officer Evans screamed. “Take off your clothes. Now.”
“I don’t take orders from a boy, especially a coward.”
“I’ll go,” the sailor said as he stood up. He took off his coat and placed it beside me. “Take it,” he whispered to me as I complied, confused by his hospitality. I still didn’t understand how he knew my name. We shared a look that made everyone on the boat around us disappear- a silent understanding passed between us. The chances of anyone making it out alive tonight were slim.
“Thank you,” I managed to say as I put on the coat.
The sailor took off the rest of his clothes and grabbed Officer Evans’ flashlight. And before I knew it, he was gone. I began praying to all the saints I could remember for his safety since I didn’t know what else to do. My hands trembled as I tightly gripped a white rosary. Wrapped around my knuckles, the rosary felt cheap, and I had a feeling it knew it wasn’t mine. I had accidentally snatched it away from someone’s neck when people began pushing each other off the ship to get to the lifeboats. Are they still alive? I could only imagine their panic when they looked for the rosary in the middle of chaos, only to realize it was lost.
A strong icy breeze began scandalizing the water again, and that’s when I felt something moist and warm between my legs. “Oh, Nuar,” Mrs. Dorene whispered to me in panic as she moved closer. “Are — are you, umm, right at this moment?” she said, trying to be discreet.
“No, I’m just freezing,” I assured her.
“Well then, we should clean you up. Right?”
“That’s awfully kind of you, Mrs. Dorene,” I whispered back as I covered myself with the sailor’s coat. “But I think touching that water will be the actual cause of me going into labor.” Mrs. Dorene’s chuckle came out strong as she held the knot in her throat. She rubbed my back in circles with the palm of her hand. Her touch was different from the sailor’s but in a good way. It felt warm, comforting. Safe.
She was a short and stubby lady who apparently was a widow, according to the ship’s gossip, of course. Mrs. Dorene never bared any children, so when her husband died, she inherited everything. It should have gone to her brother-in-law, but she somehow won the case when she brought it to court. Mrs. Dorene was a walking scandal on the ship, so naturally, most people disliked her.
“Nuar?” Officer Evans asked, making everyone on the lifeboat turn to me. He had heard Mrs. Dorene call me, and somehow his puzzle piece fell in together at last. People began to whisper to each other. “I’m going to need to see your papers. As well as your passport with your husband’s permit,” Officer Evans continued. That’s when it hit me. The sailor. He was the one who had miraculously overlooked my terrible forged permit. He knew? And didn’t say anything?
“I’m sorry, Officer Evans,” I said, forcing a smile. “But retrieving my important documents was the least of my worries when the ship was in the middle of sinking.” Two people behind me laughed, and Officer Evans stood up and slapped me across the face, but I barely flinched. I stayed silent and emotionless as he towered over me, although the shock from the struck almost threw me off balance. I had grown numb to these acts already, and Officer Evans was not satisfied.
He grabbed me by nightdress’s collar, forcing me to stand up and make eye contact with him. “I will freeze to death before I share a lifeboat with a German!” He spat on my face as he ripped off both the coat the sailor gave me and the one I had underneath and threw them in the water. Nobody moved a limb. “Since you seem to have such great ideas, how about I throw you in as well while I’m at it,” he continued, staring at my bare left ring finger and my belly.
There was something hungry in his eyes, and it terrified me. “Maybe you’ll be able to catch up with your sailor,” he whispered in my ear. Then, out of nowhere, he buried his face in my neck, aware that no one could clearly see in the dark, and stayed there for a while. I could feel his disgusting humid breath on my skin while the sea shook the boat aggressively.
My heartbeat was so loud, louder than the sea. More piercing than his breath. My panic distracted me from the fact that my fingers and toes were going numb. When I finally tried to push him off, Officer Evans dragged me to the lifeboat’s edge. My teeth were chattering at this point. “Please,” I begged as my tears froze midway. “I-I’m with child!” Is he just trying to scare me?
Mrs. Dorene and the young woman on the boat tried to get his hands off me, but he was too strong. And the man who had helped me before was glued to his son, trying to keep him warm. So I was on my own. Again.
“How gullible do you believe me to be, spy!” Officer Evans screamed at my face as he began raising my nightgown in front of everyone. But he stopped midway when he spotted all the bruises on my arms. As soon as I saw my window, I took it, and I quickly kicked the officer in the groin. But he grabbed my leg, knocking me down as he was still recovering from my kick. I screamed until my throat burned when he turned my body to face his. “Let’s see if this thing is real, shall we?” he said, grabbing onto my belly.
“Fuck you!” I snarled at him as I kicked him in the face. He stood up, screaming and cursing in pain. Then, just when he was close to the edge of the boat, I pushed him off without thinking. My vision blurred, and all I knew for sure was that I heard a big splash. But as everything became clearer again, I could see the officer’s hands trying to get back in the boat, but the sea and the cold had begun to claim him. He couldn’t swim, and I started to panic. Have I officially gone mad? An officer of all people!
I quickly ran to the edge of the boat to give him a hand, but no one was there. A sob escaped me as I moved my hand in the water, checking if I could feel something. But nothing.
For a moment, I had wished to be the spy he believed me to be. Maybe then I would have been able to shoot him between his soulless eyes without any guilt on my soul. The sea, a deadly ally indeed. God, please, forgive me…
Voices in the distance thankfully interrupted my thoughts, and I instantly knew it was the people from the other lifeboat. A similar feeling to relief washed over me because that meant the sailor had found them. But the voices began to sound aggressive, and eventually, they turned into cries.
The dark sea turned mad as it slowly drowned out their voices. I looked over to Mrs. Dorene and saw the terror on her face. Her eyes fixated on the void beyond our lifeboat as if she was confident she would spot them. But we both knew that something wasn’t right.
She snatched my hand, singing a prayer under her breath. The instability of the boat, making her sing off-key, and the coldness stutter. “I never took you for a religious person,” I whispered to Mrs. Dorene. Everyone in the lifeboat heard a strong man’s voice through the sea’s chaos, demanding something. The sailor.
“I’m not,” Mrs. Dorene responded as she avoided my eyes. I stayed silent as her statement sunk into me.
I quickly reached for the clothes the sailor had left behind and wrapped it around myself. I should have snatched his coat before I threw him- A shot of red light was fired into the sky, and everyone went quiet. The light made everything under it look like a bloodbath. I smiled as I spotted the sailor standing in the other lifeboat, still pointing the Bengala gun towards the sky. But that feeling of contentment lasted only a few seconds. High-pitched screams from both lifeboats began to fill the cold and stiff air again as the red light illuminated the hundreds of lifeless bodies surrounding us.
Help would not come tonight.
