The Connector
The Connector

You must first plant your feet firmly into the ground, that way if your husband stumbles and falls into you, particularly if you are dancing to “Sunset Driver,” he will not stumble between you and victory. Victory is a five star score on the Wii game. Now there is an Xbox 360 version of this game where a controller is not needed, but you have the Wii so we’ll concentrate on that. This leads into the next tip, as we mentioned earlier, aim for five stars.

Do not beat yourself up if you earn less than a perfect score, but do not get comfortable either because the last thing that you want is to be clicking through the song options and see your husband’s name as the highest scorer. The best way to make sure you get and maintain the title of champion is to dance like Michael. You cannot be shy or worried about how people may see you. They may even laugh and tease you but when they hear and see what hard work can do, they’ll be asking you how to be a champion.

You can then sit back and watch them try to attain your amazing star status, and fail. Do not laugh, simply give a kind smile and take the Wii controller, remember to fasten the strap around your wrist, and continue your work.

Side Note: The sensitivity of motion on your Wii remote can help or hurt you. If the sensitivity is too high you’d have to be Michael Jackson himself to get five stars, but too low can mean that your husband can get to five by doing jumping jacks.

Cardio, Cardio, Cardio is one of the most important aspects in becoming a Master. Shortly after you begin some of the numbers of the game, you may realize shortness of breath and perspiration occurring. Continue, push through and you will win the battle of twirls, stylish kicks and over extended index finger points with high pitch indiscernible yells. Mr. Jackson dedicated himself to a lifetime of entertainment for the world. The least you can do is put your all into this moment, and after you finish “Black or White,” you realize why Michael was so skinny.

Another important element to being lord of the “Mamasay-mamasaw-ma-ma-cu-sa” is not to be afraid to dabble. There are many songs that you, as a late bloomer in the Michael Jackson fan craze according to your husband, may not be familiar with, but still practice. Even if you do not understand what your motivation for this piece is, dance it the best you can and then try again until it takes over like a virus with no cure. Play the songs that no one else wants to play because that means that, even if you only get to the second star, you are the highest scorer.

Pretty soon, you will not be able to walk down the street without wanting to sing the songs. A word may pop up in a conversation, a word like “jealousy,” and all of a sudden you hear the “Ghost” instrumental playing. “Tell me are you the ghosts of jealousy,” will come out of your mouth like musical vomit. Your husband will laugh infectiously, showing his pearly whites. Is it weird that you want to lick them? No, no it’s not weird.

Side note: If “Rock With You” plays on 104.1 while you’re in the Nissan Versa, you and your husband should slightly recline your chairs before you do the dance that you recently got your high score to and prevent from hitting your knuckles on the dash board or jamming your index fingers on the windshield from the overextended points and indiscernible high pitch yells.

Finally, the most important part of your training will be something that naturally happens if you follow all of the previous instructions. Coincidentally, it is something your husband naturally does. Fall in love with Michael Jackson as the humanitarian and the entertainer. It will help you perform the songs with more excitement, passion, and more respect for how hard this man worked. Understand the sometimes androgynous nature in which he carried himself and convince yourself that his moves could never be as feminine as some of the dance steps of Prince, and you may or may not be obsessed with Prince. Remember to go to your husband and tell him not to judge your infatuation with this miniature man in heels and lace, and tell him you now understand what his M.J. addiction was all about.